I love writing but writing in this blog is just a way for my self sane. A way to take all of these thoughts out from flying around my confused head and give them a home in this blog. And for other people to know what im going through and not make the same mistakes. Hopefully the good people out there have better sense than me and not fall in love with your best friend. In the end its just a need for companionship. Im an only child with a single mother living in some podunk town in southern germany where the only people i know are through school and live hours away. I live alone. In my little cube cut off from the world so i just want one person to share my life with. I dont think thats too much to ask. And the person i choose happens to be a friend then it should be even better it just means weve already got stuff in common and things wont be all awkward when we go to restraunts and theaters. We would be free to be our selves. That would be a REAL relationship.
Ive been thinking about susan. Thinking about her and me. And listening to depressing music. Bright eyes and Death cab keep me in good company. This is one of my bad habbits. Want what i cant have and feel depressed about it. Listen to depressing music to make myself feel worse. repeat. Its an endless loop that slowly sinks me deeper into depression and self loathing. But what can i do about it?
This hasnt happened in a while. My therapist tells me that im happy but for no real discernable reason. So ive just been floating on a cloud of previous bliss and waiting for something to bring me down. this is it.
Ive fallen hard for susan. Ive fallen for her wavy blonde hair. Ive fallen for her amazing taste in music. Ive fallen for her laugh. Ive fallen for her forrest green eyes. Ive fallen for her sleek, toned legs. Ive fallen for the fact that she always knows how to make me feel better. Ive fallen for her and it will be a while before i get back up.
I know she likes me alot. She practically told me to my face. But when i asked her out she was more interested in “other people”. Damn.
If your reading this just know that i love you and i would do anything to make you happy.
Your good friend Max
